When He was Afraid to Talk

Whenever I socialize with my lovely friends, I always make a small space for laughter. Talks are frightening for me. I never wanted people to get bored when they talk to me, so I always make simple jokes for few giggles. Most of them would appreciate my jokes especially when it is relatable.

After deeply musing on a sunny day, I immediately begin to wonder why talks feel like a never-ending roller coaster. Engaging in a small conversation will lead me to a ride of anxious monstrosities, leaving the fact that I am just talking to a person, not a god or a goddess. My veins begin to internalize the feeling that I am a non-worthwhile company. But when does it stop? Why does it scare me? Why do issues face me whenever anxiety attacks me?

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Last November 2014, we went to SM Mall of Asia to watch the volleyball game that was scheduled in the arena. I didn’t join them because I was not an avid fan of volleyball. Not fanning over volleyball led me to explore the gigantic mall all by myself, and I was not disappointed! Solidarity had never felt so good at times of sheer desperation to get out of the frightening roller coaster. I felt safe calmly knowing that my back is all that I have and is all that I can count on. The calmness was eating the monstrous anxiety inside my mind.

When I got home, I felt ready and eager to face every conversation I can encounter. I learned how to let anxiety collapse like a weak bridge.

When tomorrow comes and more conversations will come, I have to remind myself that it’s not a chore to have a small talk, and anxiety’s ultimate enemy is calmness. I needed a time to take a break and I got it when there was no one to hold on to but my sturdy back. Trusting myself led me to calmness, calmness fought down anxiety, and anxiety’s defeat made me comfortable to initiate a conversation without anything to worry.

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